urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying and self-deprecating daylight 2009-10-30T01:58:37Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:37146 2009-10-30T01:58:37Z 2009-10-30T01:58:37Z my sister molly who lives in chicago is coming to syracuse for tofurky day. jen is helping her pay for the train ticket. which i find nice and shines poorly upon me. i'm broke and typically a shitheal, in my defense. additionally, my eldest brother isaac will be in the City next month so we are making a trip out of it. then its on to california for winter break for like a week. my plan is a jolly bender. <br /><br />i'll probably end up chaining myself to the coast in protest of anywhere else. <br /><br />i miss the faces,noises,smells,and feelings tied to certain places more<br /> and more these days.<br /><br /><br />i get so nervous<br />before the collapse<br />i can see it coming like headlights through a narrow corridor and i'm in the way<br />the throat thickens and my head aches, my eyes weary<br />the impact is like one million things happening at once, too heavy a moment with which to tailor a memory. everything fails. .. when its over i'm damp and sunken, without a cause in the whole wide world <br /><br /><br />we rehearse spitting and the gnashing of teeth. preparing for actual moments of upheaval. i find myself spoken like a poet<br />a sad pathetic wordsmith with either an audience and worse yet a fucking point. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:37081 2009-10-18T17:40:36Z 2009-10-18T17:40:36Z (((batillus- gravel chime))) sunday october 18,2009<br /><br />it is a sunny, crisp fall day in central new york. earthtone hued leaves occupy the sidewalks and gutters like a an influx of the condemned in exile fleeing the branches.<br /><br />the wooden floor boards of our flat cool my feet with every step.<br /><br />i'm listening to doom metal. i'm making chilly. i miss california and the like. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:36761 2009-09-13T19:45:00Z 2009-09-13T19:45:00Z the wall mounted clock in the front room i come so close to completely forgetting i have a livejournal. drab and uneventful days, bring it all back to me.<br /><br />i live in Syracuse now. to be honest it feels slightly strange. but i am here to support jen and her wonderful art and i can put my petty goals and geographically induced discomfort aside for the time being. its a place where people live and work, nothing more. <br /><br />i start work tomorrow. wish me luck if i am still in your good graces.<br /><br />sorry for the distance... California urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:36478 2009-02-19T20:22:24Z 2009-02-19T20:22:24Z orthodox "con sangre..." what is going on?<br /><br />i am completely confounded by my surroundings<br />this here environment is more like a hole with a prison in the bottom of it.<br /><br /><br />... on the other side of the vast horizon, i realized i had lost everything and everyone on the way. instead of doing the logical thing and turning around, i gave myself to the dirt, fell asleep, and was devoured by time...<br /><br />stay solid folks. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:36157 2008-06-29T08:03:51Z 2008-06-29T08:03:51Z public service annoncements i am in bakersfield,ca. i'm thinking about settling down here with my old lady and starting a gadget company--fuck holes in the ground all day and sneak into other people's backyards to swim in their pools. on the weekends i could get myself into claustrophobic situations in immaculately air-conditioned buildings. i could join a christian biker gang and discuss the deeper significance of my shitty tattoos. meanwhile, i don't notice everyone around me getting fat, because i'm so far-gone off of methamphetamines and cheap beer that i have created a self-defined universe in which everyone is un-fuckable. my dog will run away insistently, but kids are not even into pets these days, so mine won't mind. on the last day i'll eat some questionable shrooms i bought off a fake indian. looking to be in nature, i'll spin around in circles for a minute,stop, and wherever i'm facing i'll walk there as the crow flies. heading west for sometime, i'll see a hazy mirage of lights and fogs. on the edge of this mystery, my elation will go limp like the day's first hard-on, when i realize this isn't the organic and uncivilized experience i was seeking. this is santa maria.<br />fuck, its hot.<br /><br />home: monday (not part of the narrative) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:35918 2008-06-03T20:33:19Z 2008-06-03T20:33:19Z blasties my residence is so vacant right now. i go hours without uttering a single word. clipping coupons and nodding out to daytime television to not fall victim to alcoholism.<br /><br />on the positive: i got my first 4.0 ever and i saw my lovely/zany family this weekend. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:35611 2008-05-21T17:29:40Z 2008-05-21T17:29:40Z six organs. 'saint cloud' 2 and a half hours into my day and i already want it to be over. <br /><br />move on.<br /> move one. move all.<br /><br />my life's journey will take me to santa maria weekend after this one. give me a celly call, if you feel so inclined.<br /><br />slayter folks. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:35485 2008-04-02T17:38:10Z 2008-04-02T17:38:10Z computers humming i am killing time in a computer lab<br />that is exactly what i am doing<br />murdering the seconds, minutes, and hours<br />destroying all potential<br />inundating myself with data, light, and binary codes<br />these moments are non-refundable, wasted, gone<br /><br />I'll try again next time urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:35283 2008-03-04T16:55:57Z 2008-03-04T16:55:57Z om- flight on the eagle if i have nothing to say i say it any ways,so people don't think i've vanished.<br />i have to constantly remind myself that i have yet to vanish.<br />however, any potential for express in me has seemed to subside.<br />it's quite unfortunate, i'll never have a catalouge to look back on<br />i'll never be able to represent myself<br />when i look upon art works made by other i am both inspired and frustrated.<br />frustration always seems to win.<br /><br />but what i have left i hold on to. i hold on to it like you hold on to dream when you first wake up in the morning, before it escape and then your just left with your hapless self.<br />don't get me wrong i'm in a positive mental space these days, but my lack of creativity digs a void, a deep one.<br /><br />on a more positive note, listen to my radio show<br />krfh.net 1-3pm saturdays. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:35033 2008-01-25T21:57:37Z 2008-01-25T21:57:37Z sunny day real estate being 21 is tough work. i fell on my face and the cops got involved. my hair was caked in vomit this morning. i'm a wreck. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:34725 2008-01-22T06:05:28Z 2008-01-22T06:05:28Z ocrilim i am currently in the process of radicalizing my approach to this situation called living. <br /><br /><br />if i had an appendage removed every time i said that, i'd be a mere stump of flesh and hair. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:34344 2007-12-11T01:48:52Z 2007-12-11T01:48:52Z its funny<br />i used to fancy myself some sort of writer<br />or artisitic/creative type<br />but lately i can't translate anything artistically<br /><br />i appreciate<br />appreciate<br />appreciate<br /><br />but stand on the outside of the community urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:34090 2007-10-19T17:50:50Z 2007-10-19T17:50:50Z the gentle hum of technology it is raining. i almost forgot how wet this place can be. everyone is held up indoors, seeking refuge from colds, drenched hair, and soggy shoes. my trek across town to get to school gets more and more daunting everyday. puddles every which way and rain, that despite all precautions taken by me in the form of warm clothing and an umbrella, seems to soak me everytime. life runs at such a different pace in arcata when the rain starts. it's as though everyone is in survival mode. i know i am. still, the ancient trees ground me in my admiration of this home. <br />that's all for now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:34038 2007-10-16T15:59:41Z 2007-10-16T15:59:41Z neil young heavy<br />heavy<br />heavy<br />rain and clouds<br />rain and clouds<br />words<br />deeds<br />and appointments urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:33774 2007-04-23T16:42:41Z 2007-04-23T16:42:41Z boris- pink it's 9:30 in the morning and i have to listen to boris and drink copious amounts of black coffee to get going for my morning geology class. that class ROCKS. hehehehe.<br /> two more weeks, then finals and i'll have another year of higher learning under my belt. frankly it feels pretty good. i hope to see y'all soon enough. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:33486 2007-04-17T03:44:23Z 2007-04-17T03:45:10Z everyday they whisper in my ear, "today is the first day of the rest of your life"<br />i only partially believe them<br />i go about the day with half steps. unsure if they are worth it<br />"tommorow will be different, tommorrow will be different" is what i whisper back<br />still, today did feel slightly less like yesterday<br />that's the launching point i'm perpetually look for.<br />go for it brave astronaut. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:33167 2007-04-14T19:23:24Z 2007-04-14T19:23:24Z the atmosphere on livejournal as of late is quite bleak. i owe you all a hug. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:32913 2006-12-21T08:26:12Z 2006-12-21T08:26:12Z jen's sweet bzzz i'm in santa maria in less than 12 hours. <br />good luck for all you locsters, i'm in the best mood of my life. ask me why urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:32574 2006-12-05T00:32:02Z 2006-12-05T00:32:02Z Genghis Tron "caleb you're making a scene"<br /><br />i believe more people need to make outrageous scenes on a regular basis in order to enact some sort of systemic change in this culture/world of ours.<br /><br />shalom. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:32425 2006-10-23T03:44:23Z 2006-10-23T03:44:23Z Syd Barret less than 12 days until i am complete and in the presence of my most bodacious Jen. <br />the road will be rough and tumble,yet the destination immaculate. i know absolute complacence awaits me at the bus station. i love her. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:32047 2006-10-04T08:13:10Z 2006-10-04T08:13:10Z the evens i feel in a marsh<br />under no intoxicated pretext. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:31833 2006-10-03T07:19:38Z 2006-10-03T07:19:38Z Devendra Banhart- " The Body Breaks". not much to say<br />sleep all the time<br />and think of wine i want to drink<br />and the bees i want to sting<br />no shoes on and barely a shirt<br />i wake up to take a nap after i smoke a cigarette<br />my only clothes are a blanket and a single tube sock<br />i rest and my hair gets longer<br />i should write them but i don't bother<br />i let them hibernate and just send them thoughts. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:31616 2006-09-22T02:15:35Z 2006-09-22T02:15:35Z the books why do we assimilate people in your lives only to be distanced from them and be in a state of constant desire for their presence tot he point it renders you immobile and apathetic?<br />i miss jenifer to that point. but thoughts of her give me motivation i'd never be able to have without her. <br /><br />... beauty is her...<br />... she paints my world...<br /><br />wilco says it best at every turn of my life in more than one way: "distance has a way of making love understandable" and "i'm always in love" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:31328 2006-08-30T17:24:45Z 2006-08-30T17:24:45Z Tom Waits- "Black Rider" taking shape is the mind<br />slowly the deconstruction of my perception makes way for new experiences from a refreshed perspective.<br /><br />so i'm back in my same dorm<br />i miss jen. we gave ourselves to each other completely. i can feel her from ten hours away. she is always with me. all my happiness in attributed to her and visions of her little frame frolicking in peace is all i need.<br /><br />school is cool, i'm under a cloud of drugs and the delusions thereof. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:death_by_dying:31189 2006-08-17T21:51:26Z 2006-08-17T21:51:26Z The Go Team i'm leaving this place<br />with my heart in one thousand different places<br />this summer i felt myself grow towards the sun<br />i embraced every moment i could<br />i lost, yet gained immensely.<br />i'm going to miss the queen bee, she showed me beauty<br />i'll surely miss Patrick, who showed me where my life is<br />and all the santa maria locsters, who bring smiles to my face with the mere thought of them.<br /><br /><br />stay amazing world. life can do no wrong.