self-titled

...hvngr..

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:58:37 GMT

my sister molly who lives in chicago is coming to syracuse for tofurky day. jen is helping her pay for the train ticket. which i find nice and shines poorly upon me. i'm broke and typically a shitheal, in my defense. additionally, my eldest brother isaac will be in the City next month so we are making a trip out of it. then its on to california for winter break for like a week. my plan is a jolly bender.

i'll probably end up chaining myself to the coast in protest of anywhere else.

i miss the faces,noises,smells,and feelings tied to certain places more
and more these days.

i get so nervous
before the collapse
i can see it coming like headlights through a narrow corridor and i'm in the way
the throat thickens and my head aches, my eyes weary
the impact is like one million things happening at once, too heavy a moment with which to tailor a memory. everything fails. .. when its over i'm damp and sunken, without a cause in the whole wide world

we rehearse spitting and the gnashing of teeth. preparing for actual moments of upheaval. i find myself spoken like a poet
a sad pathetic wordsmith with either an audience and worse yet a fucking point.

...a warm violent glow..

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 17:40:36 GMT

sunday october 18,2009

it is a sunny, crisp fall day in central new york. earthtone hued leaves occupy the sidewalks and gutters like a an influx of the condemned in exile fleeing the branches.

the wooden floor boards of our flat cool my feet with every step.

i'm listening to doom metal. i'm making chilly. i miss california and the like.

... on lifing...

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:45:00 GMT

i come so close to completely forgetting i have a livejournal. drab and uneventful days, bring it all back to me.

i live in Syracuse now. to be honest it feels slightly strange. but i am here to support jen and her wonderful art and i can put my petty goals and geographically induced discomfort aside for the time being. its a place where people live and work, nothing more.

i start work tomorrow. wish me luck if i am still in your good graces.

sorry for the distance... California

...with a mind of dust..

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:22:24 GMT

what is going on?

i am completely confounded by my surroundings
this here environment is more like a hole with a prison in the bottom of it.

... on the other side of the vast horizon, i realized i had lost everything and everyone on the way. instead of doing the logical thing and turning around, i gave myself to the dirt, fell asleep, and was devoured by time...

stay solid folks.

...she never looks back because she knows the end is behind...

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 08:03:51 GMT

i am in bakersfield,ca. i'm thinking about settling down here with my old lady and starting a gadget company--fuck holes in the ground all day and sneak into other people's backyards to swim in their pools. on the weekends i could get myself into claustrophobic situations in immaculately air-conditioned buildings. i could join a christian biker gang and discuss the deeper significance of my shitty tattoos. meanwhile, i don't notice everyone around me getting fat, because i'm so far-gone off of methamphetamines and cheap beer that i have created a self-defined universe in which everyone is un-fuckable. my dog will run away insistently, but kids are not even into pets these days, so mine won't mind. on the last day i'll eat some questionable shrooms i bought off a fake indian. looking to be in nature, i'll spin around in circles for a minute,stop, and wherever i'm facing i'll walk there as the crow flies. heading west for sometime, i'll see a hazy mirage of lights and fogs. on the edge of this mystery, my elation will go limp like the day's first hard-on, when i realize this isn't the organic and uncivilized experience i was seeking. this is santa maria.
fuck, its hot.

home: monday (not part of the narrative)

...with bars like this who needs hades...

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:33:19 GMT

my residence is so vacant right now. i go hours without uttering a single word. clipping coupons and nodding out to daytime television to not fall victim to alcoholism.

on the positive: i got my first 4.0 ever and i saw my lovely/zany family this weekend.

...the climber..,.

Wed, 21 May 2008 17:29:40 GMT

2 and a half hours into my day and i already want it to be over.

move on.
move one. move all.

my life's journey will take me to santa maria weekend after this one. give me a celly call, if you feel so inclined.

slayter folks.

... the industrial chanting prevents me from sleeping most nights...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:38:10 GMT

i am killing time in a computer lab
that is exactly what i am doing
murdering the seconds, minutes, and hours
destroying all potential
inundating myself with data, light, and binary codes
these moments are non-refundable, wasted, gone

I'll try again next time

...shit begat shit...

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:55:57 GMT

if i have nothing to say i say it any ways,so people don't think i've vanished.
i have to constantly remind myself that i have yet to vanish.
however, any potential for express in me has seemed to subside.
it's quite unfortunate, i'll never have a catalouge to look back on
i'll never be able to represent myself
when i look upon art works made by other i am both inspired and frustrated.
frustration always seems to win.

but what i have left i hold on to. i hold on to it like you hold on to dream when you first wake up in the morning, before it escape and then your just left with your hapless self.
don't get me wrong i'm in a positive mental space these days, but my lack of creativity digs a void, a deep one.

on a more positive note, listen to my radio show
krfh.net 1-3pm saturdays.

...emissions...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 21:57:37 GMT

being 21 is tough work. i fell on my face and the cops got involved. my hair was caked in vomit this morning. i'm a wreck.

... teeth are perfectly capable of gnawing through a glacier...

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 06:05:28 GMT

i am currently in the process of radicalizing my approach to this situation called living.

if i had an appendage removed every time i said that, i'd be a mere stump of flesh and hair.

...light: one...

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 01:48:52 GMT

its funny
i used to fancy myself some sort of writer
or artisitic/creative type
but lately i can't translate anything artistically

i appreciate
appreciate
appreciate

but stand on the outside of the community

...sun/son...

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 17:50:50 GMT

it is raining. i almost forgot how wet this place can be. everyone is held up indoors, seeking refuge from colds, drenched hair, and soggy shoes. my trek across town to get to school gets more and more daunting everyday. puddles every which way and rain, that despite all precautions taken by me in the form of warm clothing and an umbrella, seems to soak me everytime. life runs at such a different pace in arcata when the rain starts. it's as though everyone is in survival mode. i know i am. still, the ancient trees ground me in my admiration of this home.
that's all for now.

... we need a a new mother to drive us away from the state...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:59:41 GMT

heavy
heavy
heavy
rain and clouds
rain and clouds
words
deeds
and appointments

... at a rate unsurpassed by mortals...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 16:42:41 GMT

it's 9:30 in the morning and i have to listen to boris and drink copious amounts of black coffee to get going for my morning geology class. that class ROCKS. hehehehe.
two more weeks, then finals and i'll have another year of higher learning under my belt. frankly it feels pretty good. i hope to see y'all soon enough.

... truly truly little tiny men...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 03:44:23 GMT

everyday they whisper in my ear, "today is the first day of the rest of your life"
i only partially believe them
i go about the day with half steps. unsure if they are worth it
"tommorow will be different, tommorrow will be different" is what i whisper back
still, today did feel slightly less like yesterday
that's the launching point i'm perpetually look for.
go for it brave astronaut.

... it is still a strange world at the end of tunnel...

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 19:23:24 GMT

the atmosphere on livejournal as of late is quite bleak. i owe you all a hug.

... we looked back and remember the empire we laid to ashes, we smiled...

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:26:12 GMT

i'm in santa maria in less than 12 hours.
good luck for all you locsters, i'm in the best mood of my life. ask me why

... the day i stopped procrastinating...

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:32:02 GMT

"caleb you're making a scene"

i believe more people need to make outrageous scenes on a regular basis in order to enact some sort of systemic change in this culture/world of ours.

shalom.

...revel...

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 03:44:23 GMT

less than 12 days until i am complete and in the presence of my most bodacious Jen.
the road will be rough and tumble,yet the destination immaculate. i know absolute complacence awaits me at the bus station. i love her.

... saint fucktard..

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 08:13:10 GMT

i feel in a marsh
under no intoxicated pretext.

... ride the wave of the carnage you created, brave vikinglord...

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 07:19:38 GMT

not much to say
sleep all the time
and think of wine i want to drink
and the bees i want to sting
no shoes on and barely a shirt
i wake up to take a nap after i smoke a cigarette
my only clothes are a blanket and a single tube sock
i rest and my hair gets longer
i should write them but i don't bother
i let them hibernate and just send them thoughts.

.. i have to detach...

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 02:15:35 GMT

why do we assimilate people in your lives only to be distanced from them and be in a state of constant desire for their presence tot he point it renders you immobile and apathetic?
i miss jenifer to that point. but thoughts of her give me motivation i'd never be able to have without her.

... beauty is her...
... she paints my world...

wilco says it best at every turn of my life in more than one way: "distance has a way of making love understandable" and "i'm always in love"

... will, be the guide...

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 17:24:45 GMT

taking shape is the mind
slowly the deconstruction of my perception makes way for new experiences from a refreshed perspective.

so i'm back in my same dorm
i miss jen. we gave ourselves to each other completely. i can feel her from ten hours away. she is always with me. all my happiness in attributed to her and visions of her little frame frolicking in peace is all i need.

school is cool, i'm under a cloud of drugs and the delusions thereof.

... i took a shot of cocaine and shut my senator down..

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 21:51:26 GMT

i'm leaving this place
with my heart in one thousand different places
this summer i felt myself grow towards the sun
i embraced every moment i could
i lost, yet gained immensely.
i'm going to miss the queen bee, she showed me beauty
i'll surely miss Patrick, who showed me where my life is
and all the santa maria locsters, who bring smiles to my face with the mere thought of them.

stay amazing world. life can do no wrong.